Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
