aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
