Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
