I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
we should paint friendship bongs
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