I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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