He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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