i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
