The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
