I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
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The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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