If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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