ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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