He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
