Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
