I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
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My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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