I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
