i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
