I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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