260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.