I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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