somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
