you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
