So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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