No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
