she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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