Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.