I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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