toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
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