Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
