why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.