Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.