i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.