some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
