I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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