I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
