actually, I'm a sock model
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
