I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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