Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Did I show you my penis last night?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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