It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
