I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
