I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
