I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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