something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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