we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
