The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
