i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
