I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
