I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
