hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
