I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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