my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
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All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
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after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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