2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
