This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
