I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
