Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize