remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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