He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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