God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
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Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
third nipple confirmed
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!