READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
