we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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