I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
