you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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